Wake me up when September Ends

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Wake me up when September Ends
Current mood: discontent
Category: Writing and Poetry

Well some days are better than others. September 3rd is approaching fast and as most of you know that was our due date. When I first got pregnant I was suprised at how fast it happened, it seemed like it took no effort at all. Counting the weeks until the first ultrasound seemed to drag on and on. Finally I hit the 10 week mark, after waiting 6 weeks from when I found out I was pregnant we were finally going to get to go see our little one and hear its heart beat. Sergio had just gotten back from TDY and we were nervous and excited.

To me something just didn't feel right. I had a hard time believing that I was actually pregnant the entire time but a lot of people feel that way before seeing the ultrasound. I kept telling myself, "you have all the symptoms, the tests all say yes and you still haven't had any bleeding or cramping." But when I really started to think about it... I wasn't waking up at 4am hungry anymore, I was only getting up once in the middle of the night to pee instead of 3 times and my stomach wasn't getting upset after eating, but my boobs were still very sore and so I convinced myself everything was probably ok. I even thought about cancelling my long awaited ultrasound that morning because I was so nervous.

We got to the doctors office and had an appointment the same time as my friend who was finding out the sex of her baby. The doctor got me all set up and started the ultrasound machine up. He was having some trouble with it, someone changed a setting and he was trying to get the screen to come back up. I was holding Sergio's hand and I glanced over to see him smiling at me. Then the screen came on and the doctor felt my cervix and said "How far along did you say you were?" I replied "Almost 11 weeks". He said "well I don't think that is quite accurate but we will be sure in a minute". I knew when my last period was so I knew for sure how far along I was but for a brief moment I dismissed the thought that maybe he meant I wasn't that far along and maybe he was meaning that I could have been farther along than I thought, that would have been ok with me. When the screen showed up and I seen my uterus on the screen the doctor swooped from one side to the other, back again, and forward again. I was watching his reaction as well as the monitor and I seen the look on his face change... I knew... the doubts I had all along were right. He looked up and said "I am so sorry, no one should ever have to hear this, but I am afriad you have what is the start of a miscarriage." He got teary eyed too and handed me a box of klenex. I wasn't crying yet, I was holding it in.

Even though its what I had feared I was still in shock from hearing it out loud. He got up and asked us to take our time and then meet him in his office, then he left. I still couldn't cry. I wanted to but I couldn't let it out. Sergio had no clue, he didn't know the thoughts I had in my mind the whole time. I didn't want to worry him with my insecurities, I had hoped they would turn out to be wrong. We walked into his office where now I was wiping my nose that had started to run but the tears wouldn't flow quite yet. He was asking questions and explaining when might have happened. He found the empty sac still attached and where the placenta started to break away but no baby. He said that the egg fertilized, implanted and started to grow, stopping early, probably 5 weeks. But the placenta continued to grow and so did my uterus and the symptoms continued because the placenta was releasing HCG and so my body still thought it was pregnant 5 weeks after the baby had stopped growing. So I was losing symptoms because the HCG had hit its peak and was now falling.

We were walking out to the front desk and at this point all I wanted to do was leave but the doctor told me I needed to go down to the lab to get blood drawn to check my levels. I walked out and seen my friend waiting for me after her appointment. I looked away, I couldn't look at her because I knew I would burst out crying and I just wanted to get out of there. I went down to the lab where they took blood and left. We got into the car and then the tears came streaming down and lasted the rest of the day.

Our phone was ringing so much because everyone knew we were going for the first ultrasound and they all wanted to see pictures and hear all about it. I had a picture, a picture of my empty uterus... and telling them all was the hardest part.

I went back to the doctors two days later to get my blood drawn again to check the levels, then I seen the doctor. Sure enough my levels were dropping. The day of the ultrasound they were at 28,000 just two days later they dropped to 23,000. The doctor gave me my options. Since I was past the 9 week mark I could get a D&C, I could wait and let it happen naturally or I could take a pill that would cause an "abortion". The doctor told me not to freak out when I heard that term. A miscarriage is often called a "spontaneous abortion" by medical professionals. Anway, I had heard the pill makes you feel like you are in labor and the Dr agreed, it does in fact put you into labor for your body to expel everything. I had waited already this long and didn't want to wait anymore, and so I knew what I wanted done. I told him I wanted a D&C and I didn't need to go home and think about it. He scheduled it for the next day.

You probably know the story after that, if not I have a blog about my D&Cs and the complication with the first and my ER trip.

Anyway, somedays I just feel like going to sleep and not waking up until September is over. Now that its almost here it feels like it has flown by. I was really hoping that I would at least be pregnant again by now to take away some of the sting of the day. I guess I still have this month left for that. If it happened this month I will find out exactley one week before Sept 3.
I will need your prayers, I have a feeling its going to be a tough day.
Wake me up when September ends....