Well our last IUI was in June and it failed. That makes 3 failed IUIs. We found out in July that I had 3 large cysts on my right ovary and 3 small ones on my left. So the doctor put me back on birth control to get rid of them. I am now at the beginning of a new cycle and the doctor wanted to see me back down in San Antonio tomorrow but I asked if we could take this month off. They said of course, that a lot of people do. Its a very stressful process. But there are a few things I would like to take care of first before doing another round.
I think the cysts are still there I can feel them every once in a while so I am choosing to continue birth control this month. If I went down to SA and they saw the cysts were still there they would just tell me I have to wait another cycle anyway... but that's my life lately, the waiting game.
I found out about a week and a half ago that the pain I have been feeling in my chest was not cracked cartilage as the doctors have been trying to tell me but its actually a dislocated rib! Feel on the right side your collar bone. Then feel down about 3 ribs and that is the one on me that is popped out from the rest and dislocated. My new chiropractor is determined to put it back in place but says my body is the most stubborn he has seen. Apparently my muscles contract faster than he can push it back in place. He said in 10 years mine is the first one he hasn't been able to fix the first time! He even fixes UFC fighters when they get cranked out of place and he can't fix me? But he said he will get it if its the last thing he does. This has been like this for 3 and a half years so I don't expect a miracle overnight. I know it will take time. It usually pops once each visit but its not back in place yet.
Another bit of good news!! We found out the other day that our chiropractor also does acupuncture!! Now Tricare doesn't pay for any of my visits with him but Sergio and I have built a great relationship with him already that he loves us like family and said that he would do acupuncture on both of us for FREE!!! This would hopefully help with our fertility issues!! I have done some research that people who go through these treatments with acupuncture have a higher success rate than those who don't! I am just so excited!!
You are probably wondering why our chiropractor fell in love with us so quickly? Because he found out Sergio does Brazillian Jiu Jitzu and he is a big fan of the sport, used to do it himself and actually knows Joise Gracie (probably spelling the first name wrong) but anyway he the one who reshaped the UFC back when it first started by introducing BJJ!! This guy is like a brother to our chiro and he is going to be coming to visit him to go Hog hunting soon and our doc said he would call Sergio so he could meet him. Now J Gracie is also fighting in October in Rio Di Genaro, Brazil and said he is going to see if he can take Sergio with him because Gracie asked our doc to be his ring side doc!! How cool is that??
Anyway that is enough rambling for now, this was supposed to be a fertility update and it turned into much more, lol. Oh well there is a full update for you for now!
Showing posts with label TTC Journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC Journey. Show all posts
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
And our journey continues...
Our journey continues to have bumps in the road! But its alright, I am just along for the ride! I found out last month that I had cysts on my ovaries, two on the right and one on the left. This month I went back to find out if they decided to go away... and while the two on the right did there is still one on the left and they aren't sure if its the same one or a new one. I have been on birth control since last month in hopes to reduce them and have them go away on their own. The doctor said that missing 4 or more BC pills in a month can cause you to develop cysts, so maybe that is what happened, because I have never been good at remembering to take the pill every day. So, we discussed my options and I have decided to have surgery to see if the endometriosis has come back. I believe it has and I also believe its worse this time than last. While under they are also going to do a hysteroscopy to check everything out because my last HSG (dye test) was about 2 years ago. This will tell them if my tubes are clear. So I feel good about the surgery, to have answers and know what step to take next. Chances of getting pregnant after removing the endometriosis are greater, so that is what I am praying for! I am still on the birth control and will continue taking it up until the day of my surgery which will be April 29th. Hopefully then the cysts will be gone! Well that is about all for now!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Another month come and gone...
Some people live their lives by the day, the week, but me... I live mine by the month. At least I count them by the months. Because each month brings me new hope. I don't know how after 36 months when a new one starts I still hold out hope that maybe THIS will be MY month. You probably wouldn't understand this unless you have suffered through some type of infertility before. But since we don't have a solid diagnosis on why we haven't gotten pregnant, I hold the hope that it happened before and it can happen again.
So the IUI obviously failed... again. That makes two but we are learning I guess, learning the right timing... at least I am. My last cycle produced about 7 "good" sized follicles which turn into eggs if released and if they aren't released, fill up with fluid and turn into cysts. I was so hopeful that out of 7 surely we would get at least one! Nope, instead I ended up with probably half a dozen cysts on my ovaries. I knew they were there, I could feel them. Suddenly I would get a sharp stabbing pain that would last a few minutes on either side just inside from my hip bone - right where the ovary sits. So the doctor put me on birth control to get rid of the cysts and take a month off from the IUI as to not make it worse or cause more.
When I go back to the doctor we will discuss the surgery for endometriosis again. He didn't seem sure he was going to do it but said if it was causing pain he was open to it. And I just know its back so I am going to push for it. I want to start fresh, a whole cycle where I don't have to wonder at the end if THAT was the reason it didn't happen. I am about a week away from seeing the doctor again and I still feel that stabbing pain in the ovaries.. I really hope the cysts are gone. I hope new ones didn't create this month, clomid can stay in the system for a few months afterwards and that is what caused them in the first place.
So because of all that I quit my job at JCP. It was getting too hard and stressful to try and guess ahead of time what days I would need to be taking off to head down to san antonio when they would tell me just one or two days ahead of time. So it was causing me to have to call in too much. I feel so much better not having to worry about working and I am still making money too! I am selling things around the house, had a garage sale in which I made over $300 in two days, a lot more than I was making at JCP! And I am still selling Mary Kay. I am going to try and broaden that business now that I have more time to do so.
Oh yeah and to top all that off. I go to see the orthopedic doctor this week to do an MRI probably and tell me that yes, I need surgery... AGAIN... this will make the 3rd time on that knee and 5th all together.
So the IUI obviously failed... again. That makes two but we are learning I guess, learning the right timing... at least I am. My last cycle produced about 7 "good" sized follicles which turn into eggs if released and if they aren't released, fill up with fluid and turn into cysts. I was so hopeful that out of 7 surely we would get at least one! Nope, instead I ended up with probably half a dozen cysts on my ovaries. I knew they were there, I could feel them. Suddenly I would get a sharp stabbing pain that would last a few minutes on either side just inside from my hip bone - right where the ovary sits. So the doctor put me on birth control to get rid of the cysts and take a month off from the IUI as to not make it worse or cause more.
When I go back to the doctor we will discuss the surgery for endometriosis again. He didn't seem sure he was going to do it but said if it was causing pain he was open to it. And I just know its back so I am going to push for it. I want to start fresh, a whole cycle where I don't have to wonder at the end if THAT was the reason it didn't happen. I am about a week away from seeing the doctor again and I still feel that stabbing pain in the ovaries.. I really hope the cysts are gone. I hope new ones didn't create this month, clomid can stay in the system for a few months afterwards and that is what caused them in the first place.
So because of all that I quit my job at JCP. It was getting too hard and stressful to try and guess ahead of time what days I would need to be taking off to head down to san antonio when they would tell me just one or two days ahead of time. So it was causing me to have to call in too much. I feel so much better not having to worry about working and I am still making money too! I am selling things around the house, had a garage sale in which I made over $300 in two days, a lot more than I was making at JCP! And I am still selling Mary Kay. I am going to try and broaden that business now that I have more time to do so.
Oh yeah and to top all that off. I go to see the orthopedic doctor this week to do an MRI probably and tell me that yes, I need surgery... AGAIN... this will make the 3rd time on that knee and 5th all together.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
TTC Journey 2007-2010
Its been a few days since I have wrote anything. I have been busy with work and life. I really haven't spent too much time on the computer. This is something I haven't opened up about yet... I have been debating if I wanted to share it or not. But its a part of my life and while its something I have struggled with for a while now, I think its finally time to really open up about it. I have had my reservations on making it public because its really not the business of the whole world and some people can be so judgemental. So I have felt like I haven't been able to open up about it until now. I have finally accepted that this is the battle I have been dealt.
Some of you know the struggles we have had through the years. First, the miscarriage in Feb. 2008, then all of the tests, the rounds of Clomid. Well, here is what few people know....
I started seeing an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) out in Odessa, which is 3 hours away from my house. She put me on Letrozol to cause me to produce multiple eggs for my October cycle, I went in and she did an ultrasound which showed I had three eggs measuring at 12 on one ovary and 1 on the other measuring at 21. So she gave me an hcg trigger shot which would cause my body to release that one larger egg within 24 hours and the next day Sergio and I both went back and we had an IUI (intra-uterine insemination) done. This is where they take a sperm sample from my husband, wash it and inject it directly into the uterus. It cuts out all the travel time for the little swimmers. Tricare of course covered only the medications and the dr visits, the procedure and injection and ultrasound was all out of pocket! Anyway, that round failed....
but just days before we went in for this procedure I got a call from Wilford Hall down in San Antonio on Lackland AFB and they said that they had re-opened for new patients and wanted to see me! I also found out we had been accepted into their program back in June when we first got back to the states but because of miscommunication and them not having my phone number we couldn't connect. I had tried calling but no one would return my calls because I wasn't a patient and I had no idea that they were trying to call my Italian phone numbers! Anyway, I contacted Dr A from Aviano to let him know that I was told my referral had been denied (because she couldnt get a hold of me, but I didn't know that at the time). And he emailed Dr R down at Wilford Hall to ask if he would do him a favor and see me. Turns out Dr R and Dr A both went to school together in the military AND Dr R even travelled to Aviano to help Dr A out for a little while not too long ago!! So the only reason I got back in being that they were so short staffed was because Dr A pulled some strings and called in a favor. I am so thankful for him!! Well, being that Wilford Hall is a military facility, all procedures will be FREE!!! Of course if we ever moved on to IVF there would be a small out of pocket expense and when I say small I mean small compared to what civilians charge. Anyway, I had my initial consult on November 1st. We got a lot covered at that first appointment. He also gave me a diagnosis....
He believes I have insulin resistant PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). I don't have all the typical symptoms that one would have to be diagnosed, but I fit the criteria and have quite a few of the symptoms. This is something I have thought I had for a while now, but I kept being told that I probably didn't have it. However, I am on a good combination of drugs now. I am taking prenatals, vitamin D3, folic acid, Metformin and will be taking Clomid next month for a Clomid Challenge Test. I will get my blood drawn on CD (cycle day) 3 and then take Clomid from CD5-CD9, then on CD10 I get my blood drawn again. This will show how my body responds to Clomid. I could get pregnant during that time but I was on Clomid for 6 months and never got pregnant on it, however, this time it will be combined with those other drugs I mentioned and might help. If it doesn't though, the plan is that we won't waste anymore time with Clomid and I will go straight to another IUI. Wilford Hall is a 4 hour drive but being that we don't pay anything out of pocket the extra hour will be worth it!
So we have a few things riding against us. We have a slight male factor infertility (slightly below average motility and morphology) but nothing too serious. I have endometriosis and PCOS. Hopefully with the next IUI we will be expecting. Dr R said that Dr B out in Odessa only gave me half of the normal hcg shot, which maybe meant I didn't ovulate before the IUI? However, he will be putting me on Letrozol again(I think), and a steroid for no more than 9 days out of my cycle, with injectible medications and all the other drugs I mentioned, minus the Clomid and then do the IUI. With that combination of drugs lots of people have success! So while God gave these doctors the wisdom, we still want God's blessing so please be praying for us! And I know God won't give us more than we can handle so if we end up with triplets.... Well, who wants a nanny job? haha.
Some of you know the struggles we have had through the years. First, the miscarriage in Feb. 2008, then all of the tests, the rounds of Clomid. Well, here is what few people know....
I started seeing an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) out in Odessa, which is 3 hours away from my house. She put me on Letrozol to cause me to produce multiple eggs for my October cycle, I went in and she did an ultrasound which showed I had three eggs measuring at 12 on one ovary and 1 on the other measuring at 21. So she gave me an hcg trigger shot which would cause my body to release that one larger egg within 24 hours and the next day Sergio and I both went back and we had an IUI (intra-uterine insemination) done. This is where they take a sperm sample from my husband, wash it and inject it directly into the uterus. It cuts out all the travel time for the little swimmers. Tricare of course covered only the medications and the dr visits, the procedure and injection and ultrasound was all out of pocket! Anyway, that round failed....
but just days before we went in for this procedure I got a call from Wilford Hall down in San Antonio on Lackland AFB and they said that they had re-opened for new patients and wanted to see me! I also found out we had been accepted into their program back in June when we first got back to the states but because of miscommunication and them not having my phone number we couldn't connect. I had tried calling but no one would return my calls because I wasn't a patient and I had no idea that they were trying to call my Italian phone numbers! Anyway, I contacted Dr A from Aviano to let him know that I was told my referral had been denied (because she couldnt get a hold of me, but I didn't know that at the time). And he emailed Dr R down at Wilford Hall to ask if he would do him a favor and see me. Turns out Dr R and Dr A both went to school together in the military AND Dr R even travelled to Aviano to help Dr A out for a little while not too long ago!! So the only reason I got back in being that they were so short staffed was because Dr A pulled some strings and called in a favor. I am so thankful for him!! Well, being that Wilford Hall is a military facility, all procedures will be FREE!!! Of course if we ever moved on to IVF there would be a small out of pocket expense and when I say small I mean small compared to what civilians charge. Anyway, I had my initial consult on November 1st. We got a lot covered at that first appointment. He also gave me a diagnosis....
He believes I have insulin resistant PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). I don't have all the typical symptoms that one would have to be diagnosed, but I fit the criteria and have quite a few of the symptoms. This is something I have thought I had for a while now, but I kept being told that I probably didn't have it. However, I am on a good combination of drugs now. I am taking prenatals, vitamin D3, folic acid, Metformin and will be taking Clomid next month for a Clomid Challenge Test. I will get my blood drawn on CD (cycle day) 3 and then take Clomid from CD5-CD9, then on CD10 I get my blood drawn again. This will show how my body responds to Clomid. I could get pregnant during that time but I was on Clomid for 6 months and never got pregnant on it, however, this time it will be combined with those other drugs I mentioned and might help. If it doesn't though, the plan is that we won't waste anymore time with Clomid and I will go straight to another IUI. Wilford Hall is a 4 hour drive but being that we don't pay anything out of pocket the extra hour will be worth it!
So we have a few things riding against us. We have a slight male factor infertility (slightly below average motility and morphology) but nothing too serious. I have endometriosis and PCOS. Hopefully with the next IUI we will be expecting. Dr R said that Dr B out in Odessa only gave me half of the normal hcg shot, which maybe meant I didn't ovulate before the IUI? However, he will be putting me on Letrozol again(I think), and a steroid for no more than 9 days out of my cycle, with injectible medications and all the other drugs I mentioned, minus the Clomid and then do the IUI. With that combination of drugs lots of people have success! So while God gave these doctors the wisdom, we still want God's blessing so please be praying for us! And I know God won't give us more than we can handle so if we end up with triplets.... Well, who wants a nanny job? haha.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
If you really knew me!
Ok, so if you have never seen the MTV show If You Really Knew Me you should watch it. Its a show where speakers go to high schools, have an assembly where everyone learns that they have so much in common. Tears area always guaranteed for the high schoolers participating and the viewers. The speaker will make a statement such as "If your parents are separated or divorced cross the line" those students walk to the other side and the ones remaining will hold up the sign language sign for "I love you". After this is done multiple times and the students realize they have a lot more in common with the person sitting next to them in class than they thought, they break off in groups and each person starts with "If you really knew me...." Old friendships are rekindled and new friendships are made, cliques are broken and bullies apologize. Its very touching and every high school should have it. But I wanted to just jot down a few things for myself.... maybe tomorrow or in a future blog I will expand more on each one.
So, if you really knew me....
You would know that:
At age 5 my parents got divorced and it was the best thing to ever happen to my life.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
At age 6 I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and I remember the day like it was yesterday.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
When I was younger I wanted to be a veterinarian, then an elementary school teacher, considered becoming a police officer, then decided to get my degree in Criminal Justice: Corrections and am still undecided where to go from here.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I left everything thing I knew to marry into the Air Force and I don't regret a single second of it.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I lived in Michigan for about 23 years of my life, South Carolina for a total of 8 months and Italy for 3 years.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
When I was younger I had my whole life planned out. I would get married at age 21, have a baby at age 23 and be done having all 3 of my children at age 30.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
God had other plans for my life. Because although I got married at age 21 and I got pregnant at age 23 I suffered a miscarriage and lost my baby along with my dream.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
Losing my baby was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and the pain is still haunting.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I had to undergo two D&C's just 5 days apart to remove the remains of my baby.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
Its hard for me to be around pregnant people, its harder for me to see people "undeserving" (in my eyes) of children.
But if you really knew me, you would know that:
I am strong enough to handle the news of your pregnancy and you don't have to tip toe around me.
If you really knew me, you would also know that:
Complaining about your horrible pregnancy, screaming child, or saying things like "I wish I wasn't pregnant", "I am not happy about this pregnancy", make me want to slap you across your ungrateful face.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
Infertility isn't just a label the doctor has placed on us, its something we fight, suffer with and battle daily.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I have been poked, prodded and exposed to more doctors than I can count to find a cause for our "unexplained infertility".
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I have been diagnosed with endometriosis and insulin resistant PCOS.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I have gone through an IUI procedure in October and it resulted in a devastating failure.
BUT if you REALLY knew me, you would KNOW that:
Through all this, I am not an unhappy person. I have not given up on my dream to have my own child and I have not given up on or lost faith in God.
So, if you really knew me....
You would know that:
At age 5 my parents got divorced and it was the best thing to ever happen to my life.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
At age 6 I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and I remember the day like it was yesterday.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
When I was younger I wanted to be a veterinarian, then an elementary school teacher, considered becoming a police officer, then decided to get my degree in Criminal Justice: Corrections and am still undecided where to go from here.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I left everything thing I knew to marry into the Air Force and I don't regret a single second of it.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I lived in Michigan for about 23 years of my life, South Carolina for a total of 8 months and Italy for 3 years.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
When I was younger I had my whole life planned out. I would get married at age 21, have a baby at age 23 and be done having all 3 of my children at age 30.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
God had other plans for my life. Because although I got married at age 21 and I got pregnant at age 23 I suffered a miscarriage and lost my baby along with my dream.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
Losing my baby was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and the pain is still haunting.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I had to undergo two D&C's just 5 days apart to remove the remains of my baby.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
Its hard for me to be around pregnant people, its harder for me to see people "undeserving" (in my eyes) of children.
But if you really knew me, you would know that:
I am strong enough to handle the news of your pregnancy and you don't have to tip toe around me.
If you really knew me, you would also know that:
Complaining about your horrible pregnancy, screaming child, or saying things like "I wish I wasn't pregnant", "I am not happy about this pregnancy", make me want to slap you across your ungrateful face.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
Infertility isn't just a label the doctor has placed on us, its something we fight, suffer with and battle daily.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I have been poked, prodded and exposed to more doctors than I can count to find a cause for our "unexplained infertility".
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I have been diagnosed with endometriosis and insulin resistant PCOS.
If you really knew me, you would know that:
I have gone through an IUI procedure in October and it resulted in a devastating failure.
BUT if you REALLY knew me, you would KNOW that:
Through all this, I am not an unhappy person. I have not given up on my dream to have my own child and I have not given up on or lost faith in God.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Stop Praying and Start Moving!
I know what some of you are thinking... What? You are supposed to pray without ceasing... why would you stop praying about something so important? Well, that isn't really the message. I bought a book called Power of Praying Through the Bible and here is a mini devotional in it that really touched base for me.
"Read and Consider Exodus 14"
"Exodus 14:15 And the Lord said unto Moses, Wherefore criest thou unto me? speak unto the children of Israel that they go forward"
"Many passages of Scripture speak of the importance of crying out to God in times of distress. In Lamentations we read "Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord" There comes a point, however, when the time for crying out is past and our clear instruction from the Lord is to take action.
That's what God said to Moses. The Israelites didn't need to worry about the details; God would take care of everything. He would help His people by obstructing the sight of the Egyptians with clouds and darkness. He would give the Israelites light. he would cause the wind to dry up the sea bottom. They didn't need more desperate prayer. They needed to get moving!
They may have been tempted to just wait. "This can't be what God wants us to do! Its too dangerous! its too frightening! how do we know we'll make it? Let's just keep praying about this." Sometimes prayer is an excuse for inaction.
Famed missionary Amy Carmichael once wrote a simple rhyme to illustrate the importance of following through with action once we have thoroughly prayed over a matter.
"A centipede was happy till one day, a toad in fun said, "Pray which legs goes after which?" Which strained his mind to such a pitch, he lay distracted in a ditch, considering how to run."
When you hear God telling you to move in a certain direction take two words of advice: DO IT!!
If you delay, you may well find yourself "distracted in a ditch considering how to run." When the way is clear, remember the Lord's instruction to the Israelites through Moses - "MOVE ON!"
END OF DEVOTION.
This one really spoke to me. Many people think that seeking infertility treatments are rushing God's will and His plan for your life. Well, until you have been in my shoes, don't assume so. Becoming a mother is something I have known I would be from the time I was little girl. My friends and I would stuff our shirts with pillows pretending to be pregnant and carry around our baby dolls dressed in newborn outfits and diapers. We volunteered in the church nursery to be near babies and even tried to start a babysitting business, we went as far as to go to a class at the hospital for babysitting instruction and took up CPR classes. I wanted nothing more in life than to be a mom from the time I can remember. I know that God is not a cruel God and He simply would not have given me such a desire if He wasn't going to make that happen. Instead I think He gave me such a desire so that when it came to this time in my life I would fight with everything I have and not give up that desire! Because of the sin in the world our bodies have become corrupted through the decades - the reason we have a rise in health issues. I believe that God gave doctors the knowledge to come up with treatments and scientist the knowledge to come up with medication that can help and its irresponsible of us to not seek treatment when something is wrong. God expects us to take care of our bodies - His temples, its the reason we shouldn't drink or smoke, right?
This fight that I am in the middle of has made me stronger, its made me appreciate the simple things in life. If you have never suffered any infertility issues, miscarriage or infant loss, you take it all for granted. You can say you don't, but until you have been on my side of the fence - you really don't know. I am not saying it makes you lesser of a caring parent/mother. I am just saying you don't understand all that goes into having a family the way I do. I know this will personally make me a better mother because I won't take one second of it for granted!
Here is another devotion from Streams in the Dessert:
November 6th
"As many as I love I rebuke and chasten." Rev. 3:19
"God takes the most eminent and choicest of His servants for the choicest and most eminent afflictions. They who have received most grace from God. Affliction does not hit the saint by chance, but by direction. God does not draw His bow at a venture. Every one of His arrows goes upon a special errand and touches no breast but his against whom it is sent. It is not only the grace, but the glory of a believer when we can stand and take affliction quietly. - Joseph Caryl
If all my days were sunny, could I say,
"In His fair land He wipes all tears away"?
If I were never weary, could I keep
Close to my heart, "He gives His loved ones sleep"?
Were no graves mine, might I not come to deem
The Life Eternal but a baseless dream?
My winter, and my tears, and weariness,
Even my graves, may be His way to bless.
I call them ills; yet that can surely be
Nothing but love that shows my Lord to me!
"The most deeply taught Christians are generally those who have been brought into the searching fires of deep soul-anguish. If you have been praying to know more of Christ, do not be surprised if He takes you aside into a desert place, or leads you into a furnace of pain."
Do not punish me, Lord, by taking my cross from me, but comfort me by submitting me to Thy will, and by making me to love the cross. Give me that by which Thou shalt be best served... and let me hold it for the greatest of all Thy mercies, that Thou shouldst glorify Thy name in me, according to Thy will. - A Captive's Prayer.
END OF DEVOTION
God brings affliction in our life for many reasons. You can search out His reasons in prayer but try not to dwell there we won't always know what it is He is trying to teach us but we need to trust Him and know that He has our best interest at heart and wouldn't bring us to it if He couldn't bring us through it! If you are experiencing similar struggles (some of the hardest things in life to get through I believe) God has a lot of faith in you that you can handle it and come out a stronger person - so put that same faith back in Him that He is using you for a very special purpose.
I know that God would not have taken my baby away from us and not give us another. Not that one can be replaced with another but God used that pregnancy to teach me to have more faith in Him and has shown me how much He can comfort me since then. If you don't ever suffer pain you will never be able to experience the greatest Comforter there is. So I am embracing these trials and going to MOVE ON! It's time to take action!
"Read and Consider Exodus 14"
"Exodus 14:15 And the Lord said unto Moses, Wherefore criest thou unto me? speak unto the children of Israel that they go forward"
"Many passages of Scripture speak of the importance of crying out to God in times of distress. In Lamentations we read "Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord" There comes a point, however, when the time for crying out is past and our clear instruction from the Lord is to take action.
That's what God said to Moses. The Israelites didn't need to worry about the details; God would take care of everything. He would help His people by obstructing the sight of the Egyptians with clouds and darkness. He would give the Israelites light. he would cause the wind to dry up the sea bottom. They didn't need more desperate prayer. They needed to get moving!
They may have been tempted to just wait. "This can't be what God wants us to do! Its too dangerous! its too frightening! how do we know we'll make it? Let's just keep praying about this." Sometimes prayer is an excuse for inaction.
Famed missionary Amy Carmichael once wrote a simple rhyme to illustrate the importance of following through with action once we have thoroughly prayed over a matter.
"A centipede was happy till one day, a toad in fun said, "Pray which legs goes after which?" Which strained his mind to such a pitch, he lay distracted in a ditch, considering how to run."
When you hear God telling you to move in a certain direction take two words of advice: DO IT!!
If you delay, you may well find yourself "distracted in a ditch considering how to run." When the way is clear, remember the Lord's instruction to the Israelites through Moses - "MOVE ON!"
END OF DEVOTION.
This one really spoke to me. Many people think that seeking infertility treatments are rushing God's will and His plan for your life. Well, until you have been in my shoes, don't assume so. Becoming a mother is something I have known I would be from the time I was little girl. My friends and I would stuff our shirts with pillows pretending to be pregnant and carry around our baby dolls dressed in newborn outfits and diapers. We volunteered in the church nursery to be near babies and even tried to start a babysitting business, we went as far as to go to a class at the hospital for babysitting instruction and took up CPR classes. I wanted nothing more in life than to be a mom from the time I can remember. I know that God is not a cruel God and He simply would not have given me such a desire if He wasn't going to make that happen. Instead I think He gave me such a desire so that when it came to this time in my life I would fight with everything I have and not give up that desire! Because of the sin in the world our bodies have become corrupted through the decades - the reason we have a rise in health issues. I believe that God gave doctors the knowledge to come up with treatments and scientist the knowledge to come up with medication that can help and its irresponsible of us to not seek treatment when something is wrong. God expects us to take care of our bodies - His temples, its the reason we shouldn't drink or smoke, right?
This fight that I am in the middle of has made me stronger, its made me appreciate the simple things in life. If you have never suffered any infertility issues, miscarriage or infant loss, you take it all for granted. You can say you don't, but until you have been on my side of the fence - you really don't know. I am not saying it makes you lesser of a caring parent/mother. I am just saying you don't understand all that goes into having a family the way I do. I know this will personally make me a better mother because I won't take one second of it for granted!
Here is another devotion from Streams in the Dessert:
November 6th
"As many as I love I rebuke and chasten." Rev. 3:19
"God takes the most eminent and choicest of His servants for the choicest and most eminent afflictions. They who have received most grace from God. Affliction does not hit the saint by chance, but by direction. God does not draw His bow at a venture. Every one of His arrows goes upon a special errand and touches no breast but his against whom it is sent. It is not only the grace, but the glory of a believer when we can stand and take affliction quietly. - Joseph Caryl
If all my days were sunny, could I say,
"In His fair land He wipes all tears away"?
If I were never weary, could I keep
Close to my heart, "He gives His loved ones sleep"?
Were no graves mine, might I not come to deem
The Life Eternal but a baseless dream?
My winter, and my tears, and weariness,
Even my graves, may be His way to bless.
I call them ills; yet that can surely be
Nothing but love that shows my Lord to me!
"The most deeply taught Christians are generally those who have been brought into the searching fires of deep soul-anguish. If you have been praying to know more of Christ, do not be surprised if He takes you aside into a desert place, or leads you into a furnace of pain."
Do not punish me, Lord, by taking my cross from me, but comfort me by submitting me to Thy will, and by making me to love the cross. Give me that by which Thou shalt be best served... and let me hold it for the greatest of all Thy mercies, that Thou shouldst glorify Thy name in me, according to Thy will. - A Captive's Prayer.
END OF DEVOTION
God brings affliction in our life for many reasons. You can search out His reasons in prayer but try not to dwell there we won't always know what it is He is trying to teach us but we need to trust Him and know that He has our best interest at heart and wouldn't bring us to it if He couldn't bring us through it! If you are experiencing similar struggles (some of the hardest things in life to get through I believe) God has a lot of faith in you that you can handle it and come out a stronger person - so put that same faith back in Him that He is using you for a very special purpose.
I know that God would not have taken my baby away from us and not give us another. Not that one can be replaced with another but God used that pregnancy to teach me to have more faith in Him and has shown me how much He can comfort me since then. If you don't ever suffer pain you will never be able to experience the greatest Comforter there is. So I am embracing these trials and going to MOVE ON! It's time to take action!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A Lesson in Dealing with those Suffering through Infertility
These are in the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake in a section at the end of each chapter called "Burden Bearers" The **** means it has really hit home with me, while those I have listed here are issues that have affected me, along with all my other friends suffering through this with me, please take the time to read through them.
"When you are meeting someone new, don't start your conversation with "So, do you have any kids?" While innocent enough, such questions can make me feel like a deer caught in your headlights."
*****"Please don't tell me I am being punished. I am already probing my heart with a microscope to see if there are any offensive ways standing in the way of my relationship with God. Infertility and bereavement carry many painful emotions, often including a false sense of guilt and self-blame. Please be careful not to try to play the role of the Holy Spirit in my life. If you truly believe my fertility challenges are entangled with sin issues, prayerfully approach me with loving-kindess rather than condemnation, in keeping with Matthew 18, Galations 6 and James 5:19-20"
"Just because my miscarriage was "early" don't think my baby was any less a person, any less my child, any less significant, than if he had died later in life. Don't tell me that my baby's death was probably"for the best". I know all about birth defects, better timing in my life, and so forth, but MY CHILD IS DEAD. I know that somehow God can work even this for His good purpose, but right now I need you to validate my grief."
"Sexual tensions often run high during infertility. After the death of a baby, physical intimacy is emotionally entangled with the creation (and loss) of life. Statements such as "Do you guys know how babies are made?" or "At least you can have fun trying!" cut me to the core."
"Fertility isses are very personal. If I choose to share with you, I am placing a deep level of trust in our friendship. Before passing my news along to anyone else, please ask my permission. Most fertility related issues are medical problems, often entailing many complex issues. Infertility causes stress, but it is extremely rare for stress to be the sole cause of interiltiy. "Relaxing" will NOT cure endometriosis, open blocked fallopian tubes, enable deformed sperm to fertilize an egg, or change my odds of carrying a child with genetic defects.
Don't suggest that my infertility will be resolved if I "just adopt". Adoption may (or may not) be a part of God's plan for us, but both infertility and adoption are issues we need to workt through one step at a time. A healthy period of grieving for the biological child we may never have may be needed before we are ready to even consider adoption. And while I'm sure you know someone who adopted then got pregnant, statistically, adoption does not increase my chances of future pregnancy.
Please do not offer advice unless I ask you for it. I have probably already heard about (and tried) boxer shorts, vacation, and sexual techniques to improve our chances of conception. You might make very different choices in our situation, but as you are not in our situation, please keep your opinions to yourself unless you think we are acting in explicit contradictions to clear-cut biblical principals."
"Wondering if God's perfect plan for my life will include children, or even realistically expressing painful doubts about my dwindling hope for the possibility of parenthood, does not equate to doubting God. Please don't judge my loss of hope about having a child to loss of hope in Christ.
You may say, "I just know God is going to give you a baby." But how do you know? Has He given you a revelation that He hasn't given me? Please be careful speaking for the Lord unless you are sure. (Prophets of old were stoned when they presumed to speak and their prophecies were found to be untrue.)"
*****"As I seek to find my place as an infertile woman in the body of Christ, it may take some adjustments for me to find where I feel best used of the Lord. For instance, the church nursery might be exactly where I WANT to be on some days when my arms just ache to hold a baby, but it might just as easily become a place that stabs my heart with envy and grief over what I do not have. Our woman's Bible study may feel more like a "mom's club" where I'm an outsider, than a place I can freely fellowship and nourish my soul on the Word of God.
"I fully agree with the Bible that children are a blessing. I only ask that our church be aware that many of us cannot take such a gift for granted. Please don't elevate parenthood to the point where I feel cursed because I have not been so blessed. An honest "I dont know the right thing to say or do" or simple "I'm sorry" is a great start. I don't usually want or expect to be fixed, nearly as much as I need a listening ear, a friendly hug, and lots of prayer."
"While I'm waiting, please don't ask me if I'm pregnant yet each time you see me."
"Intended encouragment such as "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now" or "You can always have another one" are not comforting in the face of loss. Would you say to a widow, "Don't worry, You can always get married again?"
(end of excerpts from the book)
I have heard it all, things like:
Its just not God's time (how would you know when God's time is?)
You just need to relax, don't think about it (relaxing doesn't cure medical conditions and not thinking about it is like asking me to not breathe, unless you have been in my situation, dont pretend to have the answers)
It will happen when you stop trying (no, it won't. Once again medical issues causing infertility don't cure themselves without a doctors intervention or medication)
Are you sure you're ready to deal with this - as your child screams (is not a comfort to me, I am well aware of the pains and stress of children)
The list could go on but these are the ones that bother me the most. And please, don't complain about your children or your 'horrible pregnancy' to me, I have NO sympathy for you! Because I pray for the worst morning sickness in the world to only have the chance to be pregnant! I would gladly trade places with you, so don't come to me to complain about how hard you have it with your kids. Be thankful for them and find someone else to get sympathy from when you are having a rough pregnancy because I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant.
"When you are meeting someone new, don't start your conversation with "So, do you have any kids?" While innocent enough, such questions can make me feel like a deer caught in your headlights."
*****"Please don't tell me I am being punished. I am already probing my heart with a microscope to see if there are any offensive ways standing in the way of my relationship with God. Infertility and bereavement carry many painful emotions, often including a false sense of guilt and self-blame. Please be careful not to try to play the role of the Holy Spirit in my life. If you truly believe my fertility challenges are entangled with sin issues, prayerfully approach me with loving-kindess rather than condemnation, in keeping with Matthew 18, Galations 6 and James 5:19-20"
"Just because my miscarriage was "early" don't think my baby was any less a person, any less my child, any less significant, than if he had died later in life. Don't tell me that my baby's death was probably"for the best". I know all about birth defects, better timing in my life, and so forth, but MY CHILD IS DEAD. I know that somehow God can work even this for His good purpose, but right now I need you to validate my grief."
"Sexual tensions often run high during infertility. After the death of a baby, physical intimacy is emotionally entangled with the creation (and loss) of life. Statements such as "Do you guys know how babies are made?" or "At least you can have fun trying!" cut me to the core."
"Fertility isses are very personal. If I choose to share with you, I am placing a deep level of trust in our friendship. Before passing my news along to anyone else, please ask my permission. Most fertility related issues are medical problems, often entailing many complex issues. Infertility causes stress, but it is extremely rare for stress to be the sole cause of interiltiy. "Relaxing" will NOT cure endometriosis, open blocked fallopian tubes, enable deformed sperm to fertilize an egg, or change my odds of carrying a child with genetic defects.
Don't suggest that my infertility will be resolved if I "just adopt". Adoption may (or may not) be a part of God's plan for us, but both infertility and adoption are issues we need to workt through one step at a time. A healthy period of grieving for the biological child we may never have may be needed before we are ready to even consider adoption. And while I'm sure you know someone who adopted then got pregnant, statistically, adoption does not increase my chances of future pregnancy.
Please do not offer advice unless I ask you for it. I have probably already heard about (and tried) boxer shorts, vacation, and sexual techniques to improve our chances of conception. You might make very different choices in our situation, but as you are not in our situation, please keep your opinions to yourself unless you think we are acting in explicit contradictions to clear-cut biblical principals."
"Wondering if God's perfect plan for my life will include children, or even realistically expressing painful doubts about my dwindling hope for the possibility of parenthood, does not equate to doubting God. Please don't judge my loss of hope about having a child to loss of hope in Christ.
You may say, "I just know God is going to give you a baby." But how do you know? Has He given you a revelation that He hasn't given me? Please be careful speaking for the Lord unless you are sure. (Prophets of old were stoned when they presumed to speak and their prophecies were found to be untrue.)"
*****"As I seek to find my place as an infertile woman in the body of Christ, it may take some adjustments for me to find where I feel best used of the Lord. For instance, the church nursery might be exactly where I WANT to be on some days when my arms just ache to hold a baby, but it might just as easily become a place that stabs my heart with envy and grief over what I do not have. Our woman's Bible study may feel more like a "mom's club" where I'm an outsider, than a place I can freely fellowship and nourish my soul on the Word of God.
"I fully agree with the Bible that children are a blessing. I only ask that our church be aware that many of us cannot take such a gift for granted. Please don't elevate parenthood to the point where I feel cursed because I have not been so blessed. An honest "I dont know the right thing to say or do" or simple "I'm sorry" is a great start. I don't usually want or expect to be fixed, nearly as much as I need a listening ear, a friendly hug, and lots of prayer."
"While I'm waiting, please don't ask me if I'm pregnant yet each time you see me."
"Intended encouragment such as "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now" or "You can always have another one" are not comforting in the face of loss. Would you say to a widow, "Don't worry, You can always get married again?"
(end of excerpts from the book)
I have heard it all, things like:
Its just not God's time (how would you know when God's time is?)
You just need to relax, don't think about it (relaxing doesn't cure medical conditions and not thinking about it is like asking me to not breathe, unless you have been in my situation, dont pretend to have the answers)
It will happen when you stop trying (no, it won't. Once again medical issues causing infertility don't cure themselves without a doctors intervention or medication)
Are you sure you're ready to deal with this - as your child screams (is not a comfort to me, I am well aware of the pains and stress of children)
The list could go on but these are the ones that bother me the most. And please, don't complain about your children or your 'horrible pregnancy' to me, I have NO sympathy for you! Because I pray for the worst morning sickness in the world to only have the chance to be pregnant! I would gladly trade places with you, so don't come to me to complain about how hard you have it with your kids. Be thankful for them and find someone else to get sympathy from when you are having a rough pregnancy because I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Lots of new blogs!!!
Hey, just wanted to let you all know the new blogs I have been posting are actually old blogs from Myspace. I am deleting my myspace and didn't want to lose all my blogs in the process, so browse them if you like, they are now all categorized, by year and then by what they are about, ex. life, family, TTC journey, ect...
I hope you enjoy reading them, for some this is all old news, for some it may be new to you and way to get to know me better. Enjoy! All original posting dates are in the blog.
Here is a little update for me.
December 11th is approaching fast and its the day that I am going in for laproscopy surgery to see if I have endometriosis. I have most of the symptoms of it, so this will confirm if it is in fact what I have. The only way to know for sure is to do this procedure where they go in through the belly button with a camera and fill the abdomen with air and look around. If they find it they will be able to burn it off at that time and then chances of concieving are much greater. Please pray that this will go well and pray for my doctor doing the procedure.
Also, I have been getting weekly massages on my shoulders for the past 4 or 5 weeks and I really think its helping. I have been able to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night, rather than waking up 100 times a night and then feeling tired in the morning. I wake up feeling rested and ready to get out of bed. I also was waking up before with a stiff back that was very sore. However after the first few massages I was waking up with absolutley NO back pain and it felt great!! The problem I was having on the right shoulder, has moved to the left, so I am hoping that means its on its way out! I thought I was crazy at first as its been in my right shoulder for almost 2 years and the exact same pain and symptoms have now gone to the left side... so weird!
That's about all for now!
I hope you enjoy reading them, for some this is all old news, for some it may be new to you and way to get to know me better. Enjoy! All original posting dates are in the blog.
Here is a little update for me.
December 11th is approaching fast and its the day that I am going in for laproscopy surgery to see if I have endometriosis. I have most of the symptoms of it, so this will confirm if it is in fact what I have. The only way to know for sure is to do this procedure where they go in through the belly button with a camera and fill the abdomen with air and look around. If they find it they will be able to burn it off at that time and then chances of concieving are much greater. Please pray that this will go well and pray for my doctor doing the procedure.
Also, I have been getting weekly massages on my shoulders for the past 4 or 5 weeks and I really think its helping. I have been able to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night, rather than waking up 100 times a night and then feeling tired in the morning. I wake up feeling rested and ready to get out of bed. I also was waking up before with a stiff back that was very sore. However after the first few massages I was waking up with absolutley NO back pain and it felt great!! The problem I was having on the right shoulder, has moved to the left, so I am hoping that means its on its way out! I thought I was crazy at first as its been in my right shoulder for almost 2 years and the exact same pain and symptoms have now gone to the left side... so weird!
That's about all for now!
Making progress...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Making progress...
Some of you know, some don't. We weren't really going to make this public knowledge so that is why this blog is going on the preferred readers list. We started testing for infertility. Yes it happened before so it can happen again, however it hasn't yet. Since we have been off all forms of birth control since May 2006 when Sergio left for Korea (going on 3 years now) and the one time we got pregnant it ended in miscarriage the doctor felt it was enough time to start the tests. Yes Sergio was gone for a year in Korea but since he has been back its been almost 2 years. It has already been almost 1 year since we found out we lost the baby and 9 months since given the OK to try to conceive again (TTC). Still nothing. I have tried charting, OPKs (ovulation prediction kits) and even Preseed (which acts like fertile cervical mucus), nothing has been working for us. I am textbook - 28 day cycles with a 14 positive on the OPKs. For a little while my cycles were slightly off 27-29 days but nothing major and the past 4 have been dead on. Some of this may be foreign to some who don't know the TTC lingo but bear with me and I will get to the point, haha. I am no newbie to the signs of ovulation or when to time intercourse - that is what I am trying to portray. So about the testing - I went in for blood work on December 18th and again on December 29th. Just today 2 of 5 results came back! The two that came back were Progesterone and Prolactin, both within the normal range of 10.5 so this is good news. Both are checked for infertility problems. If you want more detailed information look them up at webmd. Anyway, we are still waiting on LH, Thyroid and I can never remember the other one. Thursday we will also do the semen analysis. That shouldn't take too long to get results back since they do it in-office. If all that goes well, and I start another cycle this month I will go back between day 5-11 of my cycle and have the dye test done. This is where they inject dye into the cervix and up through the uterus and fallopian tubes. This will show if there is any blockage. If this comes back normal as well, the doctor will start me on Clomid. Its a pill that causes ovulation. We already know I ovulate so this means that my chances of twins are greater, they say less than 4% of twins and less than 1% of triplets or more. However I believe this is the reason we have so many twins on base. But its something that I am willing to do to have a baby. So I will update you all when we get more results. But this is what has been going on with us. We are just so ready to start the next chapter in our life and we pray that it is God's will to give us children. I also believe that He expects us to pursue it so that is what the testing is for. Its not in any means to try and rush God but He has given doctors the knowledge to find all this out and I believe He doesn't expect us to sit back when there is a problem that can be fixed with simple means. So pray for us on our TTC journey!
Making progress...
Some of you know, some don't. We weren't really going to make this public knowledge so that is why this blog is going on the preferred readers list. We started testing for infertility. Yes it happened before so it can happen again, however it hasn't yet. Since we have been off all forms of birth control since May 2006 when Sergio left for Korea (going on 3 years now) and the one time we got pregnant it ended in miscarriage the doctor felt it was enough time to start the tests. Yes Sergio was gone for a year in Korea but since he has been back its been almost 2 years. It has already been almost 1 year since we found out we lost the baby and 9 months since given the OK to try to conceive again (TTC). Still nothing. I have tried charting, OPKs (ovulation prediction kits) and even Preseed (which acts like fertile cervical mucus), nothing has been working for us. I am textbook - 28 day cycles with a 14 positive on the OPKs. For a little while my cycles were slightly off 27-29 days but nothing major and the past 4 have been dead on. Some of this may be foreign to some who don't know the TTC lingo but bear with me and I will get to the point, haha. I am no newbie to the signs of ovulation or when to time intercourse - that is what I am trying to portray. So about the testing - I went in for blood work on December 18th and again on December 29th. Just today 2 of 5 results came back! The two that came back were Progesterone and Prolactin, both within the normal range of 10.5 so this is good news. Both are checked for infertility problems. If you want more detailed information look them up at webmd. Anyway, we are still waiting on LH, Thyroid and I can never remember the other one. Thursday we will also do the semen analysis. That shouldn't take too long to get results back since they do it in-office. If all that goes well, and I start another cycle this month I will go back between day 5-11 of my cycle and have the dye test done. This is where they inject dye into the cervix and up through the uterus and fallopian tubes. This will show if there is any blockage. If this comes back normal as well, the doctor will start me on Clomid. Its a pill that causes ovulation. We already know I ovulate so this means that my chances of twins are greater, they say less than 4% of twins and less than 1% of triplets or more. However I believe this is the reason we have so many twins on base. But its something that I am willing to do to have a baby. So I will update you all when we get more results. But this is what has been going on with us. We are just so ready to start the next chapter in our life and we pray that it is God's will to give us children. I also believe that He expects us to pursue it so that is what the testing is for. Its not in any means to try and rush God but He has given doctors the knowledge to find all this out and I believe He doesn't expect us to sit back when there is a problem that can be fixed with simple means. So pray for us on our TTC journey!
Friday, November 20, 2009
...No title...
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
...No title...
Current mood: pessimistic
Category: Blogging
September 3, 2008, the due date we had. Its hard to believe this day is already here. Its hard to imagine what would have been. So all we ask is for your prayers. Here are some thoughts, a poem I guess. You don't have to respond if you don't know what to say. I understand, I just wrote this for myself, to get some feelings out and make a tribute to the day.
We didn't have to see your face to know that you were beautiful,
We didn't have to feel you kick to know that you were real,
We didn't have to hear your laugh for you to give us joy,
We didn't get to hold you, but know someday we will.
We didn't get to send you off to school or prom or college or see you get married to miss you.
We will never get to teach you to talk or walk or anything else mommys and daddys do but we still loved you.
We didn't even get to hear your heartbeat but we know that you were and you are our little baby.
We can rest in knowing that although we can't kiss you goodnight, Jesus does.
One day we will see you you smile, talk to you, kiss you and hold you.
Until then little one we will be missing you.
...No title...
Current mood: pessimistic
Category: Blogging
September 3, 2008, the due date we had. Its hard to believe this day is already here. Its hard to imagine what would have been. So all we ask is for your prayers. Here are some thoughts, a poem I guess. You don't have to respond if you don't know what to say. I understand, I just wrote this for myself, to get some feelings out and make a tribute to the day.
We didn't have to see your face to know that you were beautiful,
We didn't have to feel you kick to know that you were real,
We didn't have to hear your laugh for you to give us joy,
We didn't get to hold you, but know someday we will.
We didn't get to send you off to school or prom or college or see you get married to miss you.
We will never get to teach you to talk or walk or anything else mommys and daddys do but we still loved you.
We didn't even get to hear your heartbeat but we know that you were and you are our little baby.
We can rest in knowing that although we can't kiss you goodnight, Jesus does.
One day we will see you you smile, talk to you, kiss you and hold you.
Until then little one we will be missing you.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
If you have been wondering...
Category: Life
Well as just about all of you know, we have been trying to get pregnant again after the miscarriage. Back in Feb when I had the D&C's the doctor told me to wait two full cycles before trying again. That was in April. Well we have been trying since April and back then, I thought I didn't care when it happened as long as it was before September. Once again as most of you know that would have been my due date. Well, here we are August 27th and AF showed up today. So it doesn't look like I made that mark! I am exhausted month after month getting negatives. Now I know that I haven't been at it as long as some people have. And I give you guys a lot of props for sticking with it year after year. I think I am ready to take a break from TTC.
Sergio had two resolutions for this year. One to have a healthy baby - that should have happened this September 3. The second to make Staff, and as some of you know he missed that by .63 of a point. This year has brought a lot of disappointments for us. The one good thing that came out of this year is our new neighbors. Good friends moved into our neighborhood - Tiffany and Nick, Emily and Mike and Deena and Daniel. Emily had Baylie! and we had 6 puppies. So for now I am thinking I am done TTC until Thanksgiving/Christmas time. Which is when it happened last time. I dont really want the same due date but that just seems like a less stressful time of the year for us. So we will see what happens!
If you have been wondering...
Category: Life
Well as just about all of you know, we have been trying to get pregnant again after the miscarriage. Back in Feb when I had the D&C's the doctor told me to wait two full cycles before trying again. That was in April. Well we have been trying since April and back then, I thought I didn't care when it happened as long as it was before September. Once again as most of you know that would have been my due date. Well, here we are August 27th and AF showed up today. So it doesn't look like I made that mark! I am exhausted month after month getting negatives. Now I know that I haven't been at it as long as some people have. And I give you guys a lot of props for sticking with it year after year. I think I am ready to take a break from TTC.
Sergio had two resolutions for this year. One to have a healthy baby - that should have happened this September 3. The second to make Staff, and as some of you know he missed that by .63 of a point. This year has brought a lot of disappointments for us. The one good thing that came out of this year is our new neighbors. Good friends moved into our neighborhood - Tiffany and Nick, Emily and Mike and Deena and Daniel. Emily had Baylie! and we had 6 puppies. So for now I am thinking I am done TTC until Thanksgiving/Christmas time. Which is when it happened last time. I dont really want the same due date but that just seems like a less stressful time of the year for us. So we will see what happens!
Wake me up when September Ends
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Wake me up when September Ends
Current mood: discontent
Category: Writing and Poetry
Well some days are better than others. September 3rd is approaching fast and as most of you know that was our due date. When I first got pregnant I was suprised at how fast it happened, it seemed like it took no effort at all. Counting the weeks until the first ultrasound seemed to drag on and on. Finally I hit the 10 week mark, after waiting 6 weeks from when I found out I was pregnant we were finally going to get to go see our little one and hear its heart beat. Sergio had just gotten back from TDY and we were nervous and excited.
To me something just didn't feel right. I had a hard time believing that I was actually pregnant the entire time but a lot of people feel that way before seeing the ultrasound. I kept telling myself, "you have all the symptoms, the tests all say yes and you still haven't had any bleeding or cramping." But when I really started to think about it... I wasn't waking up at 4am hungry anymore, I was only getting up once in the middle of the night to pee instead of 3 times and my stomach wasn't getting upset after eating, but my boobs were still very sore and so I convinced myself everything was probably ok. I even thought about cancelling my long awaited ultrasound that morning because I was so nervous.
We got to the doctors office and had an appointment the same time as my friend who was finding out the sex of her baby. The doctor got me all set up and started the ultrasound machine up. He was having some trouble with it, someone changed a setting and he was trying to get the screen to come back up. I was holding Sergio's hand and I glanced over to see him smiling at me. Then the screen came on and the doctor felt my cervix and said "How far along did you say you were?" I replied "Almost 11 weeks". He said "well I don't think that is quite accurate but we will be sure in a minute". I knew when my last period was so I knew for sure how far along I was but for a brief moment I dismissed the thought that maybe he meant I wasn't that far along and maybe he was meaning that I could have been farther along than I thought, that would have been ok with me. When the screen showed up and I seen my uterus on the screen the doctor swooped from one side to the other, back again, and forward again. I was watching his reaction as well as the monitor and I seen the look on his face change... I knew... the doubts I had all along were right. He looked up and said "I am so sorry, no one should ever have to hear this, but I am afriad you have what is the start of a miscarriage." He got teary eyed too and handed me a box of klenex. I wasn't crying yet, I was holding it in.
Even though its what I had feared I was still in shock from hearing it out loud. He got up and asked us to take our time and then meet him in his office, then he left. I still couldn't cry. I wanted to but I couldn't let it out. Sergio had no clue, he didn't know the thoughts I had in my mind the whole time. I didn't want to worry him with my insecurities, I had hoped they would turn out to be wrong. We walked into his office where now I was wiping my nose that had started to run but the tears wouldn't flow quite yet. He was asking questions and explaining when might have happened. He found the empty sac still attached and where the placenta started to break away but no baby. He said that the egg fertilized, implanted and started to grow, stopping early, probably 5 weeks. But the placenta continued to grow and so did my uterus and the symptoms continued because the placenta was releasing HCG and so my body still thought it was pregnant 5 weeks after the baby had stopped growing. So I was losing symptoms because the HCG had hit its peak and was now falling.
We were walking out to the front desk and at this point all I wanted to do was leave but the doctor told me I needed to go down to the lab to get blood drawn to check my levels. I walked out and seen my friend waiting for me after her appointment. I looked away, I couldn't look at her because I knew I would burst out crying and I just wanted to get out of there. I went down to the lab where they took blood and left. We got into the car and then the tears came streaming down and lasted the rest of the day.
Our phone was ringing so much because everyone knew we were going for the first ultrasound and they all wanted to see pictures and hear all about it. I had a picture, a picture of my empty uterus... and telling them all was the hardest part.
I went back to the doctors two days later to get my blood drawn again to check the levels, then I seen the doctor. Sure enough my levels were dropping. The day of the ultrasound they were at 28,000 just two days later they dropped to 23,000. The doctor gave me my options. Since I was past the 9 week mark I could get a D&C, I could wait and let it happen naturally or I could take a pill that would cause an "abortion". The doctor told me not to freak out when I heard that term. A miscarriage is often called a "spontaneous abortion" by medical professionals. Anway, I had heard the pill makes you feel like you are in labor and the Dr agreed, it does in fact put you into labor for your body to expel everything. I had waited already this long and didn't want to wait anymore, and so I knew what I wanted done. I told him I wanted a D&C and I didn't need to go home and think about it. He scheduled it for the next day.
You probably know the story after that, if not I have a blog about my D&Cs and the complication with the first and my ER trip.
Anyway, somedays I just feel like going to sleep and not waking up until September is over. Now that its almost here it feels like it has flown by. I was really hoping that I would at least be pregnant again by now to take away some of the sting of the day. I guess I still have this month left for that. If it happened this month I will find out exactley one week before Sept 3.
I will need your prayers, I have a feeling its going to be a tough day.
Wake me up when September ends....
Wake me up when September Ends
Current mood: discontent
Category: Writing and Poetry
Well some days are better than others. September 3rd is approaching fast and as most of you know that was our due date. When I first got pregnant I was suprised at how fast it happened, it seemed like it took no effort at all. Counting the weeks until the first ultrasound seemed to drag on and on. Finally I hit the 10 week mark, after waiting 6 weeks from when I found out I was pregnant we were finally going to get to go see our little one and hear its heart beat. Sergio had just gotten back from TDY and we were nervous and excited.
To me something just didn't feel right. I had a hard time believing that I was actually pregnant the entire time but a lot of people feel that way before seeing the ultrasound. I kept telling myself, "you have all the symptoms, the tests all say yes and you still haven't had any bleeding or cramping." But when I really started to think about it... I wasn't waking up at 4am hungry anymore, I was only getting up once in the middle of the night to pee instead of 3 times and my stomach wasn't getting upset after eating, but my boobs were still very sore and so I convinced myself everything was probably ok. I even thought about cancelling my long awaited ultrasound that morning because I was so nervous.
We got to the doctors office and had an appointment the same time as my friend who was finding out the sex of her baby. The doctor got me all set up and started the ultrasound machine up. He was having some trouble with it, someone changed a setting and he was trying to get the screen to come back up. I was holding Sergio's hand and I glanced over to see him smiling at me. Then the screen came on and the doctor felt my cervix and said "How far along did you say you were?" I replied "Almost 11 weeks". He said "well I don't think that is quite accurate but we will be sure in a minute". I knew when my last period was so I knew for sure how far along I was but for a brief moment I dismissed the thought that maybe he meant I wasn't that far along and maybe he was meaning that I could have been farther along than I thought, that would have been ok with me. When the screen showed up and I seen my uterus on the screen the doctor swooped from one side to the other, back again, and forward again. I was watching his reaction as well as the monitor and I seen the look on his face change... I knew... the doubts I had all along were right. He looked up and said "I am so sorry, no one should ever have to hear this, but I am afriad you have what is the start of a miscarriage." He got teary eyed too and handed me a box of klenex. I wasn't crying yet, I was holding it in.
Even though its what I had feared I was still in shock from hearing it out loud. He got up and asked us to take our time and then meet him in his office, then he left. I still couldn't cry. I wanted to but I couldn't let it out. Sergio had no clue, he didn't know the thoughts I had in my mind the whole time. I didn't want to worry him with my insecurities, I had hoped they would turn out to be wrong. We walked into his office where now I was wiping my nose that had started to run but the tears wouldn't flow quite yet. He was asking questions and explaining when might have happened. He found the empty sac still attached and where the placenta started to break away but no baby. He said that the egg fertilized, implanted and started to grow, stopping early, probably 5 weeks. But the placenta continued to grow and so did my uterus and the symptoms continued because the placenta was releasing HCG and so my body still thought it was pregnant 5 weeks after the baby had stopped growing. So I was losing symptoms because the HCG had hit its peak and was now falling.
We were walking out to the front desk and at this point all I wanted to do was leave but the doctor told me I needed to go down to the lab to get blood drawn to check my levels. I walked out and seen my friend waiting for me after her appointment. I looked away, I couldn't look at her because I knew I would burst out crying and I just wanted to get out of there. I went down to the lab where they took blood and left. We got into the car and then the tears came streaming down and lasted the rest of the day.
Our phone was ringing so much because everyone knew we were going for the first ultrasound and they all wanted to see pictures and hear all about it. I had a picture, a picture of my empty uterus... and telling them all was the hardest part.
I went back to the doctors two days later to get my blood drawn again to check the levels, then I seen the doctor. Sure enough my levels were dropping. The day of the ultrasound they were at 28,000 just two days later they dropped to 23,000. The doctor gave me my options. Since I was past the 9 week mark I could get a D&C, I could wait and let it happen naturally or I could take a pill that would cause an "abortion". The doctor told me not to freak out when I heard that term. A miscarriage is often called a "spontaneous abortion" by medical professionals. Anway, I had heard the pill makes you feel like you are in labor and the Dr agreed, it does in fact put you into labor for your body to expel everything. I had waited already this long and didn't want to wait anymore, and so I knew what I wanted done. I told him I wanted a D&C and I didn't need to go home and think about it. He scheduled it for the next day.
You probably know the story after that, if not I have a blog about my D&Cs and the complication with the first and my ER trip.
Anyway, somedays I just feel like going to sleep and not waking up until September is over. Now that its almost here it feels like it has flown by. I was really hoping that I would at least be pregnant again by now to take away some of the sting of the day. I guess I still have this month left for that. If it happened this month I will find out exactley one week before Sept 3.
I will need your prayers, I have a feeling its going to be a tough day.
Wake me up when September ends....
Gets harder but then a little easier
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Gets harder but then a little easier
Category: Life
Well my birthday is coming up as most of you know and at this time I had planned to find out what the baby was going to be, boy or girl. I would have been almost 20 weeks along and showing pretty good. I would have been half way there. So as my birthday gets closer it gets harder to think how far developed the baby would have been and know that in less than 5 more months the baby would be here. God had other plans for us.
As the time goes by its been over two months ago that we found out we lost the baby (it feels like just yesterday at times) but as time goes by its gets easier because now we are trying again. The Dr wanted us to wait two cycles and here we are on the second cycle so this month will be the month we start trying. Last month we weren't trying but we weren't not trying either.
So soon September 3rd will come and go and hopefully we will be looking forward to another date to hold our baby. Like the song on my profile says "I can rest in knowing that Heaven is your home and its all you'll ever know".
This time around we have both agreed that we aren't going to tell anyone until about the 3rd month. I am sorry for all who are anxiously waiting. You all know me, it will be very hard to keep it a secret, so help me out and please don't ask! lol. We will see maybe we will change our mind again. I just wouldn't be able to stand another heartbreak like that.
Anyway, thats all for now, just some things I have been thinking about.
Gets harder but then a little easier
Category: Life
Well my birthday is coming up as most of you know and at this time I had planned to find out what the baby was going to be, boy or girl. I would have been almost 20 weeks along and showing pretty good. I would have been half way there. So as my birthday gets closer it gets harder to think how far developed the baby would have been and know that in less than 5 more months the baby would be here. God had other plans for us.
As the time goes by its been over two months ago that we found out we lost the baby (it feels like just yesterday at times) but as time goes by its gets easier because now we are trying again. The Dr wanted us to wait two cycles and here we are on the second cycle so this month will be the month we start trying. Last month we weren't trying but we weren't not trying either.
So soon September 3rd will come and go and hopefully we will be looking forward to another date to hold our baby. Like the song on my profile says "I can rest in knowing that Heaven is your home and its all you'll ever know".
This time around we have both agreed that we aren't going to tell anyone until about the 3rd month. I am sorry for all who are anxiously waiting. You all know me, it will be very hard to keep it a secret, so help me out and please don't ask! lol. We will see maybe we will change our mind again. I just wouldn't be able to stand another heartbreak like that.
Anyway, thats all for now, just some things I have been thinking about.
D&C's
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
D&C’s
If you have a weak stomach or can't stand reading about blood this isn't the blog for you to read. This is what happened to me and might be considered Too Much Information for some.
So most of you know what happened but for those who don't this is my story. After we found out on Feb. 11th that we had a miscarriage I had the first D&C on Friday the 15th. All went went, or so we thought. It took a long time to get out of the hospital because they wanted to make sure I could use the bathroom on my own before leaving. I guess they used a catheter and man I didn't know that made it hard to pee. So once I could finally go they let me leave.
5 days later I started bleeding bad. It started at church around 9pm. I went home and it slowed down. At about 1am it got much worse with a lot of blood clots. I started thinking about going to the ER but did not want to go to the Pordenone hospital because I heard so many bad things about it. The base hospital closes at night and weekends. So I told Sergio to go to bed and I would wake him if I thought I needed to go. I wanted to wait until the morning.
At 4am it got worse, the bleeding was about the same but now I was white as a ghost, I had taken 2 percocet and still felt the cramps. My legs began to become very weak and I had a hard time walking on my own. I began to shiver uncontrollably, my teeth were chattering so hard that they hurt. So I woke up Sergio and told him that we needed to go after some pushing from my mom and sister. So we went.
The translator met us there and they took me up in a wheelchair. Things are so weird there, but anyway, they did an ultrasound and the doctor was talking a lot and the translator said little so I don't know everything he said except that I had a lot of blood collecting in my uterus because the first D&C left behind some "matter" and it began to clot. My Dr had told me with the first one there was a chance of this happening since my uterus was shaped different it would be hard to get it all but he would do his best.
So they wanted to keep me there overnight and then first thing in the morning (it was 5am by this time) to do another D&C. He said that I could also chose to leave and wait to see if the hospital on base could do something for me but if I started bleeding again I could begin to hemorage and then would need it done ASAP. So I went home because I just don't trust them there. Plus they don't know what my Dr said about the shape of my uterus and if they screwed up then I can't have kids in the future. So I took my chances and went home. By this time I was feeling a little better, maybe because the bleeding stopped again and I was getting more blood back I don't know.
So at 7:30am I called the hospital on base and they told me to come right in. I did and got some blood work and another ultrasound and then they told me to come back at 1:45pm to get the second D&C (I had ate when I got home and they wanted to wait a little while). So I came back and ended up going in at 5pm since they had a serious case ahead of me. I don't remember much from the whole day since we were both up for almost 40 hours straight. I was able to use the bathroom right away and they let us leave faster because she thought I was "out of it" from not sleeping and not from the medication. It was from the medication but I didn't tell her that.
So afterwards, no real bleeding and not really any cramping. So I am hoping now that it is finally over and I can move on from here.
D&C’s
If you have a weak stomach or can't stand reading about blood this isn't the blog for you to read. This is what happened to me and might be considered Too Much Information for some.
So most of you know what happened but for those who don't this is my story. After we found out on Feb. 11th that we had a miscarriage I had the first D&C on Friday the 15th. All went went, or so we thought. It took a long time to get out of the hospital because they wanted to make sure I could use the bathroom on my own before leaving. I guess they used a catheter and man I didn't know that made it hard to pee. So once I could finally go they let me leave.
5 days later I started bleeding bad. It started at church around 9pm. I went home and it slowed down. At about 1am it got much worse with a lot of blood clots. I started thinking about going to the ER but did not want to go to the Pordenone hospital because I heard so many bad things about it. The base hospital closes at night and weekends. So I told Sergio to go to bed and I would wake him if I thought I needed to go. I wanted to wait until the morning.
At 4am it got worse, the bleeding was about the same but now I was white as a ghost, I had taken 2 percocet and still felt the cramps. My legs began to become very weak and I had a hard time walking on my own. I began to shiver uncontrollably, my teeth were chattering so hard that they hurt. So I woke up Sergio and told him that we needed to go after some pushing from my mom and sister. So we went.
The translator met us there and they took me up in a wheelchair. Things are so weird there, but anyway, they did an ultrasound and the doctor was talking a lot and the translator said little so I don't know everything he said except that I had a lot of blood collecting in my uterus because the first D&C left behind some "matter" and it began to clot. My Dr had told me with the first one there was a chance of this happening since my uterus was shaped different it would be hard to get it all but he would do his best.
So they wanted to keep me there overnight and then first thing in the morning (it was 5am by this time) to do another D&C. He said that I could also chose to leave and wait to see if the hospital on base could do something for me but if I started bleeding again I could begin to hemorage and then would need it done ASAP. So I went home because I just don't trust them there. Plus they don't know what my Dr said about the shape of my uterus and if they screwed up then I can't have kids in the future. So I took my chances and went home. By this time I was feeling a little better, maybe because the bleeding stopped again and I was getting more blood back I don't know.
So at 7:30am I called the hospital on base and they told me to come right in. I did and got some blood work and another ultrasound and then they told me to come back at 1:45pm to get the second D&C (I had ate when I got home and they wanted to wait a little while). So I came back and ended up going in at 5pm since they had a serious case ahead of me. I don't remember much from the whole day since we were both up for almost 40 hours straight. I was able to use the bathroom right away and they let us leave faster because she thought I was "out of it" from not sleeping and not from the medication. It was from the medication but I didn't tell her that.
So afterwards, no real bleeding and not really any cramping. So I am hoping now that it is finally over and I can move on from here.
I still love you...
Sunday, February 24, 2008
I still love you...
DEESTYLISTIC LYRICS
"I Still Love You"
[CHORUS:]I never seen you
I never held you
But I still love you until the day I die
I never sang to you
I never cradled you
But I still love you until the day I die
[VERSE 1:]I never really got the chance to ever see you
But I dreamed you, your mom was happy along with me too
I wanted to raise you right give you things I didn't have
Now it's a memory of a time that I wish I had
But I can't be mad in the saddest dim the way
But the image of you is still there wen I lay
And I know your ears are wide open when I pray
That daddy's talking to you but he don't know what to say
I wanted to watch you grow a child of my own
Wanted to hear your voice and see your face when I got home
I was set to be have the guidance you would need
Now I have to dream in order to see you with me
Maybe you was a little girl who resembled your mom
Or my little son who looked up to papi
Either way my heart still melts at your very thought
And I still love you and that will never stop cause'
[CHORUS:]I never seen you
I never held you
But I still love you until the day I die
I never sang to you
I never cradled you
But I still love you until the day I die
[VERSE 2:]Neveah Marie, Or Landin T
The begining of the search to find the man in me
But it wasn't meant to be at this point in time
It had me angry on the outside but crying inside
Dens I was ready me and your mother awaited
But someone above us both had reasoned to delay it
Maybe we were too young we'll never truly know
I tried to tell myself why but I really truly don't know
What could be so wrong about something so nice
Something so divine to come in my life but no
I would never dare to ever call u a mistake
But if so your a mistake that I can take
Our very first daughter that your mother could dress nice
Or that son of mine that I could of taught rhymes
But now it's all in thoughts that never came to be
But I still love you and when you're still the same to me uh
[CHORUS:]I never seen you
I never held you
But I still love you until the day I die
I never sang to you
I never cradled you
But I still love you until the day I die
[VERSE 3:]I... guess it was time (it was time)I prepared my life (I prepared my life)And now I cry
Cus I... wasn't ready yet (wasn't ready yet)To say goodbye (to say goodbye)And now I wonder why
[CHORUS:]I never seen you(I never seen you)I never held you (I never held you)But I still love you until the day I die (but I'll still love you)I never sang to you (I never sang to you)I never cradled you (I never cradled you)But I still love you until the day I die (but I'll still love you)
**I heard this song and its just so touching. Download it if you want to really get the feel of it. I tried to find it to add it to my player but can't find it. Someone told me it was a song about abortion but I don't see anywhere in there that it was. It seems like a miscarriage to me.
I still love you...
DEESTYLISTIC LYRICS
"I Still Love You"
[CHORUS:]I never seen you
I never held you
But I still love you until the day I die
I never sang to you
I never cradled you
But I still love you until the day I die
[VERSE 1:]I never really got the chance to ever see you
But I dreamed you, your mom was happy along with me too
I wanted to raise you right give you things I didn't have
Now it's a memory of a time that I wish I had
But I can't be mad in the saddest dim the way
But the image of you is still there wen I lay
And I know your ears are wide open when I pray
That daddy's talking to you but he don't know what to say
I wanted to watch you grow a child of my own
Wanted to hear your voice and see your face when I got home
I was set to be have the guidance you would need
Now I have to dream in order to see you with me
Maybe you was a little girl who resembled your mom
Or my little son who looked up to papi
Either way my heart still melts at your very thought
And I still love you and that will never stop cause'
[CHORUS:]I never seen you
I never held you
But I still love you until the day I die
I never sang to you
I never cradled you
But I still love you until the day I die
[VERSE 2:]Neveah Marie, Or Landin T
The begining of the search to find the man in me
But it wasn't meant to be at this point in time
It had me angry on the outside but crying inside
Dens I was ready me and your mother awaited
But someone above us both had reasoned to delay it
Maybe we were too young we'll never truly know
I tried to tell myself why but I really truly don't know
What could be so wrong about something so nice
Something so divine to come in my life but no
I would never dare to ever call u a mistake
But if so your a mistake that I can take
Our very first daughter that your mother could dress nice
Or that son of mine that I could of taught rhymes
But now it's all in thoughts that never came to be
But I still love you and when you're still the same to me uh
[CHORUS:]I never seen you
I never held you
But I still love you until the day I die
I never sang to you
I never cradled you
But I still love you until the day I die
[VERSE 3:]I... guess it was time (it was time)I prepared my life (I prepared my life)And now I cry
Cus I... wasn't ready yet (wasn't ready yet)To say goodbye (to say goodbye)And now I wonder why
[CHORUS:]I never seen you(I never seen you)I never held you (I never held you)But I still love you until the day I die (but I'll still love you)I never sang to you (I never sang to you)I never cradled you (I never cradled you)But I still love you until the day I die (but I'll still love you)
**I heard this song and its just so touching. Download it if you want to really get the feel of it. I tried to find it to add it to my player but can't find it. Someone told me it was a song about abortion but I don't see anywhere in there that it was. It seems like a miscarriage to me.
God is great!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
God is great!
Let me just tell you that with everything that has gone on in the past two weeks I can't help but still feel so thankful. Of course I am not glad that I lost my baby but God has shown me through all of this just how strong of a person I really am with His help and that when I lean on Him Completley He will carry me. He has taught me to live even more by faith than I already did. After tonight I just prayed and thanked God for really lifting me up. Through this I have done some things that I didn't think I had the courage to do and I am really starting to see why God put us where we are today (here in Italy, in Ceolini).
Here is the story...
Well I want to thank those of you who have been praying for us and our church. For the first time I went out and invited a couple people to church.I went and asked Sgt Woods and his family if they would like to come to our revival meetings and they said they couldn't make it Tuesday night but they would come on Wednesday night. I went next door to our brand new neighbors and invited them. They said they had heard about the church but didn't know where it was. I also invited my friend Anna (she's part Italian and part Arabic, (Muslim background) she came with me on Tuesday night and Bobbie came with me on Tuesday night. I didn't know if Anna was enjoying it or felt uncomfortable (she has a hard time understanding some English). But she said she could understand the pastor and after she went to Pastors wife and told her she had a good time and wanted to come back and bring her fiance who isin the military.
So Wednesday (today) I walked to the Woods house and they weren't home, so me and Bobbie went next door and started talking to the new neighbors again and when I realized it was getting late (6:30pm) I said I should get going to church and asked them one more time if they would like to come. She said to her husband "I think we should go" He agreed. She said she has felt bad because the only time she has ever missed church was when she was sick and she has gone her whole life and comes from a Baptist background, her husband too, and said she heard about the church from a friend in Japan. Well Pastor Olsen was in Japan when in the Navy a while ago and apparently the people that her dad knew, pastored this church before Pastor Olsen and also knew Pastor. So they said they would follow me there. When we pulled in the Woodswere pulling out and they seen me and turned back around. They thought that they got the time wrong since there were only two cars there. Well I walked in church with 9 other people and everyone's face lit up. Alan (a young single guy at our church) said "You brought the whole neighborhood" and I said "Yeah actually I did, they are all my neighbors".
So I called Anna and she said they were on their way and almost there. A few minutes later they walked in.Pastor Lancaster preached a good message of salvation and hell. Atinvitation time he asked who knew that they were saved and going to Heaven by raising their hand. Then he asked who didn't know that if they were to die today if they would go to Heaven, or who was concerned about what would happen if they died. And he asked for them to simply look at him and when his eyes caught theirs for them to bow their heads again and I heard one Amen. At invitation time he made it clear that he didn't want to embarrass anyone and it might be a hard thing to do, to walk forward, but he said he promised that nobody would make fun of them and infact everyone would rejoice with them. I could tell nobody had walked forward when he kept extending the invitation, hoping that they would walk forward. Then he said "at least one maybe two people were concerned and I won't embarrass you and I won't come to you and ask you but if you are still concerned and would like me to know please just look up here one more time".
So I heard again at least one maybe two "Amen, ok" After the service Anna's fiance came up to me and said that he wanted to talk to Pastor Lancaster but he also wanted to have a ciggarrette and asked me which he should do first. So I told him togo ahead and go outside and maybe by then he would be done talking. He came back in and got with Pastor and the rest of us walked away. They stayed at the front of the church for a little while, the rest of us by the fire and then they all came to join us to roast hotdogs. I don't know what happened but Philip (Anna's fiance) was smiling a lot. I have seen him many times but he never smiled. They stayed for a little bit and then left.
Everyone else stayed afterwards for fellowship and it was really nice. Pastor kept thanking me for my hard work in inviting these people, but I know it wasn't me. It was God. I told him "I didn't do the hard work, I just asked, they did the hard work by coming somewhere new" He smiled. I know it had to really make their day to see so many new faces in one day. All week we haven't had too many people and before we all got there they probably didn't think many more would show up. 11 visitors in one day. It was a good day.Sergio really wanted to come but they made him go back to work tonight after he wasn't supposed to (he had a class in the morning). So he couldn't make it and was pretty dissapointed.Our new neighbors seem very nice and come from the same kind of church background as us and its so amazing that God could have put them anywhere and He put them right next door to me! The people who were supposed to move in there said they were going to take the house couldn't because his family decided not to come over here. So I was so glad to learn that about my new neighbors. They seemed to have a good time and I really think they will come back and hopefully attend regularly.
I am hoping and would like to ask you to pray for Anna and Philip as well. Pray that they will come back again.
I invited both the new neighbor, Tiffany and Dana (Sgt Woods wife) to come to our Tuesday night Bible studies at my house and sheseemed interested. Since they both live so close maybe they will get to come. I really hope so. Well thanks for all your prayers, I just wanted to give you all an update onwhats going on at little Calvary Baptist Church.
God is great!
Let me just tell you that with everything that has gone on in the past two weeks I can't help but still feel so thankful. Of course I am not glad that I lost my baby but God has shown me through all of this just how strong of a person I really am with His help and that when I lean on Him Completley He will carry me. He has taught me to live even more by faith than I already did. After tonight I just prayed and thanked God for really lifting me up. Through this I have done some things that I didn't think I had the courage to do and I am really starting to see why God put us where we are today (here in Italy, in Ceolini).
Here is the story...
Well I want to thank those of you who have been praying for us and our church. For the first time I went out and invited a couple people to church.I went and asked Sgt Woods and his family if they would like to come to our revival meetings and they said they couldn't make it Tuesday night but they would come on Wednesday night. I went next door to our brand new neighbors and invited them. They said they had heard about the church but didn't know where it was. I also invited my friend Anna (she's part Italian and part Arabic, (Muslim background) she came with me on Tuesday night and Bobbie came with me on Tuesday night. I didn't know if Anna was enjoying it or felt uncomfortable (she has a hard time understanding some English). But she said she could understand the pastor and after she went to Pastors wife and told her she had a good time and wanted to come back and bring her fiance who isin the military.
So Wednesday (today) I walked to the Woods house and they weren't home, so me and Bobbie went next door and started talking to the new neighbors again and when I realized it was getting late (6:30pm) I said I should get going to church and asked them one more time if they would like to come. She said to her husband "I think we should go" He agreed. She said she has felt bad because the only time she has ever missed church was when she was sick and she has gone her whole life and comes from a Baptist background, her husband too, and said she heard about the church from a friend in Japan. Well Pastor Olsen was in Japan when in the Navy a while ago and apparently the people that her dad knew, pastored this church before Pastor Olsen and also knew Pastor. So they said they would follow me there. When we pulled in the Woodswere pulling out and they seen me and turned back around. They thought that they got the time wrong since there were only two cars there. Well I walked in church with 9 other people and everyone's face lit up. Alan (a young single guy at our church) said "You brought the whole neighborhood" and I said "Yeah actually I did, they are all my neighbors".
So I called Anna and she said they were on their way and almost there. A few minutes later they walked in.Pastor Lancaster preached a good message of salvation and hell. Atinvitation time he asked who knew that they were saved and going to Heaven by raising their hand. Then he asked who didn't know that if they were to die today if they would go to Heaven, or who was concerned about what would happen if they died. And he asked for them to simply look at him and when his eyes caught theirs for them to bow their heads again and I heard one Amen. At invitation time he made it clear that he didn't want to embarrass anyone and it might be a hard thing to do, to walk forward, but he said he promised that nobody would make fun of them and infact everyone would rejoice with them. I could tell nobody had walked forward when he kept extending the invitation, hoping that they would walk forward. Then he said "at least one maybe two people were concerned and I won't embarrass you and I won't come to you and ask you but if you are still concerned and would like me to know please just look up here one more time".
So I heard again at least one maybe two "Amen, ok" After the service Anna's fiance came up to me and said that he wanted to talk to Pastor Lancaster but he also wanted to have a ciggarrette and asked me which he should do first. So I told him togo ahead and go outside and maybe by then he would be done talking. He came back in and got with Pastor and the rest of us walked away. They stayed at the front of the church for a little while, the rest of us by the fire and then they all came to join us to roast hotdogs. I don't know what happened but Philip (Anna's fiance) was smiling a lot. I have seen him many times but he never smiled. They stayed for a little bit and then left.
Everyone else stayed afterwards for fellowship and it was really nice. Pastor kept thanking me for my hard work in inviting these people, but I know it wasn't me. It was God. I told him "I didn't do the hard work, I just asked, they did the hard work by coming somewhere new" He smiled. I know it had to really make their day to see so many new faces in one day. All week we haven't had too many people and before we all got there they probably didn't think many more would show up. 11 visitors in one day. It was a good day.Sergio really wanted to come but they made him go back to work tonight after he wasn't supposed to (he had a class in the morning). So he couldn't make it and was pretty dissapointed.Our new neighbors seem very nice and come from the same kind of church background as us and its so amazing that God could have put them anywhere and He put them right next door to me! The people who were supposed to move in there said they were going to take the house couldn't because his family decided not to come over here. So I was so glad to learn that about my new neighbors. They seemed to have a good time and I really think they will come back and hopefully attend regularly.
I am hoping and would like to ask you to pray for Anna and Philip as well. Pray that they will come back again.
I invited both the new neighbor, Tiffany and Dana (Sgt Woods wife) to come to our Tuesday night Bible studies at my house and sheseemed interested. Since they both live so close maybe they will get to come. I really hope so. Well thanks for all your prayers, I just wanted to give you all an update onwhats going on at little Calvary Baptist Church.
Update: Blighted Ovum
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Update: Blighted Ovum
Here is the update. I went back to the Drs and he told me that my hcg levels went from in the 28,000'sto the 23,000's from Monday to Wednesday. So the Dr. confirmed that this was a miscarriage. He said that at 28,000 when he did the first ultrasound he would expect to see a heartbeat. He did another ultrasound just to make me feel more comfortable with his diagnosis and once again, there was just an empty sac. He said this is called a blighted ovum or now commonly called a early pregnancy failure. That is can cause you to have all of the symptoms of a regular pregnancy and your hcg levels will rise and then taper off before falling. When they start falling then usually the miscarriage process will begin which is what my body will most likely go through in the next couple of days. However, I went ahead and scheduled the D&C because I don't want to wait for that. Knowing that my baby didn't even being to form and grow at all is hard enough. I have waited 11 weeks and just want to be able to move on. If anyone is curious about a blighted ovum this is the site I found that best describes what happened to me. http://www.babycenter.com/0_blighted-ovum-early-pregnancy-failure_1355753.bc?articleId=1355753&page=1
Thanks everyone for all your support!
Update: Blighted Ovum
Here is the update. I went back to the Drs and he told me that my hcg levels went from in the 28,000'sto the 23,000's from Monday to Wednesday. So the Dr. confirmed that this was a miscarriage. He said that at 28,000 when he did the first ultrasound he would expect to see a heartbeat. He did another ultrasound just to make me feel more comfortable with his diagnosis and once again, there was just an empty sac. He said this is called a blighted ovum or now commonly called a early pregnancy failure. That is can cause you to have all of the symptoms of a regular pregnancy and your hcg levels will rise and then taper off before falling. When they start falling then usually the miscarriage process will begin which is what my body will most likely go through in the next couple of days. However, I went ahead and scheduled the D&C because I don't want to wait for that. Knowing that my baby didn't even being to form and grow at all is hard enough. I have waited 11 weeks and just want to be able to move on. If anyone is curious about a blighted ovum this is the site I found that best describes what happened to me. http://www.babycenter.com/0_blighted-ovum-early-pregnancy-failure_1355753.bc?articleId=1355753&page=1
Thanks everyone for all your support!
Love letter for our angel from Nita Jo
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Love letter for our angel from Nita Jo
When your mommie and daddy got the news they were so happyto have finally been blessed with a little miracle like you.Your mommy talked about you everyday, keeping up with every memoryin every possible way. Each week a new picture she took to show the world how fast there little angel was growing. I have never met someone so carefullwith what she did. You didn't get to taste pepsi or coffee because your mommiewas so thoughtfull of you. Your daddy had to leave not long after the news of you had comehe's in the air force and is a brave man. I know you would have grown to be so be so proud ofhim as he was of you. Your mommie and I are very good friends and I to fell in love with you from the very beginning. Then all the sudden something sad and tragic happend, God had calledyou back home to live with him. We all miss you so much already, but you will never be forgotten.God must have needed another angel to help light up his wonderfull beautifull night sky.Though your not with them anymore I know you will come daily and whisper I love you in your mommie and daddy's ear. I ask one simple thing of you, I know you are still quiet small but could you ask God to make you a special angel to help your mommie and daddy to get through this pain they never thought they would see? Be there at night when mommies up late thinking of you. Be there when daddy's at work thinking of you. Be there when it feels like noone else is.Be there when God blesses them with your brother or sister and help to calm and relieve allthere fears. Before I let you go I ask one last thing, please tell god thank you for sending you to be with them for the little time you were here bc to them you will always be loved and adored.I cant wait to meet you in Heaven one day and to see the smile on your mommie and daddy's face when they finally get to hold and see the little miracle they made!! Tell my dad I said hi and Ilove him, and tell God how we all cant wait to meet him.
LOVE,
Mrs. Nita Jo
Thanks Nita this means a lot.
Love letter for our angel from Nita Jo
When your mommie and daddy got the news they were so happyto have finally been blessed with a little miracle like you.Your mommy talked about you everyday, keeping up with every memoryin every possible way. Each week a new picture she took to show the world how fast there little angel was growing. I have never met someone so carefullwith what she did. You didn't get to taste pepsi or coffee because your mommiewas so thoughtfull of you. Your daddy had to leave not long after the news of you had comehe's in the air force and is a brave man. I know you would have grown to be so be so proud ofhim as he was of you. Your mommie and I are very good friends and I to fell in love with you from the very beginning. Then all the sudden something sad and tragic happend, God had calledyou back home to live with him. We all miss you so much already, but you will never be forgotten.God must have needed another angel to help light up his wonderfull beautifull night sky.Though your not with them anymore I know you will come daily and whisper I love you in your mommie and daddy's ear. I ask one simple thing of you, I know you are still quiet small but could you ask God to make you a special angel to help your mommie and daddy to get through this pain they never thought they would see? Be there at night when mommies up late thinking of you. Be there when daddy's at work thinking of you. Be there when it feels like noone else is.Be there when God blesses them with your brother or sister and help to calm and relieve allthere fears. Before I let you go I ask one last thing, please tell god thank you for sending you to be with them for the little time you were here bc to them you will always be loved and adored.I cant wait to meet you in Heaven one day and to see the smile on your mommie and daddy's face when they finally get to hold and see the little miracle they made!! Tell my dad I said hi and Ilove him, and tell God how we all cant wait to meet him.
LOVE,
Mrs. Nita Jo
Thanks Nita this means a lot.
Poem for those who have suffered loss
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Poem for those who have suffered loss
This is a poem written by a girl on www.babygaga.com her name is Tasha.
To those that have suffered Pain beyond words Losing a life That was so close to yours Angels before birth Gone before here No matter how long with us The pain is still there More than a life Was lost that day Hopes and dreams Painfully ripped away To those that have suffered pain no words can heal Just know that we're here We know how you feel
Here is another one that just got posted
What Makes A Mother? I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked "What makes a Mother?" And then I heard Him say. "A Mother has a baby," This we know is true; I asked "But God can you be a Mother, When your baby's not with you?" "Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice "I give many women babies, When they leave, is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay." "I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here." He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, And then I saw a tear. "I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, With the other children and say... 'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much, But I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.' "So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in My home, And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me, Until your lesson's through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart it's the love you had so much of Right from the very start Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother, Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"
Poem for those who have suffered loss
This is a poem written by a girl on www.babygaga.com her name is Tasha.
To those that have suffered Pain beyond words Losing a life That was so close to yours Angels before birth Gone before here No matter how long with us The pain is still there More than a life Was lost that day Hopes and dreams Painfully ripped away To those that have suffered pain no words can heal Just know that we're here We know how you feel
Here is another one that just got posted
What Makes A Mother? I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked "What makes a Mother?" And then I heard Him say. "A Mother has a baby," This we know is true; I asked "But God can you be a Mother, When your baby's not with you?" "Yes, you can," He replied With confidence in His voice "I give many women babies, When they leave, is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day. And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay." "I just don't understand this God I want my baby to be here." He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, And then I saw a tear. "I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today. If you could see your child's smile, With the other children and say... 'We go to Earth to learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom, Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much, But I visit her every day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear. Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.' "So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in My home, And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me, Until your lesson's through. And on the day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart it's the love you had so much of Right from the very start Though some on earth may not realize, you are a Mother, Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!"
Miscarriage
Monday, February 11, 2008
Miscarriage
Well we went for our ultrasound today and I knew right away when nothing popped up on the screen that we had lost the baby.
The Dr. said he thinks that it happened early in the pregnancy and that it was most likely due to a genetic problem when the baby was first forming. Which is the most common reason for miscarriage.
He seen the sac and where the placenta looked like it had started to rip away but there was no baby. My body still thinks its pregnant and hasn't started the process to get rid of the baby naturally.
So now I will have to go in and get a D&C. The Dr. wants to do one more ultrasound on Thursday just to make sure that it was a miscarriage and its not a mistake.
I am sure it was. I had a really bad feeling about this starting a few weeks ago and the "pregnancy symptoms" starting going away. I still have some but its most likely due to the fact that my body doesn't know what happened yet.
I will keep you all updated. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.
Miscarriage
Well we went for our ultrasound today and I knew right away when nothing popped up on the screen that we had lost the baby.
The Dr. said he thinks that it happened early in the pregnancy and that it was most likely due to a genetic problem when the baby was first forming. Which is the most common reason for miscarriage.
He seen the sac and where the placenta looked like it had started to rip away but there was no baby. My body still thinks its pregnant and hasn't started the process to get rid of the baby naturally.
So now I will have to go in and get a D&C. The Dr. wants to do one more ultrasound on Thursday just to make sure that it was a miscarriage and its not a mistake.
I am sure it was. I had a really bad feeling about this starting a few weeks ago and the "pregnancy symptoms" starting going away. I still have some but its most likely due to the fact that my body doesn't know what happened yet.
I will keep you all updated. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
