A Lesson in Dealing with those Suffering through Infertility

These are in the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake in a section at the end of each chapter called "Burden Bearers" The **** means it has really hit home with me, while those I have listed here are issues that have affected me, along with all my other friends suffering through this with me, please take the time to read through them.
"When you are meeting someone new, don't start your conversation with "So, do you have any kids?" While innocent enough, such questions can make me feel like a deer caught in your headlights."


*****"Please don't tell me I am being punished. I am already probing my heart with a microscope to see if there are any offensive ways standing in the way of my relationship with God. Infertility and bereavement carry many painful emotions, often including a false sense of guilt and self-blame. Please be careful not to try to play the role of the Holy Spirit in my life. If you truly believe my fertility challenges are entangled with sin issues, prayerfully approach me with loving-kindess rather than condemnation, in keeping with Matthew 18, Galations 6 and James 5:19-20"

"Just because my miscarriage was "early" don't think my baby was any less a person, any less my child, any less significant, than if he had died later in life. Don't tell me that my baby's death was probably"for the best". I know all about birth defects, better timing in my life, and so forth, but MY CHILD IS DEAD. I know that somehow God can work even this for His good purpose, but right now I need you to validate my grief."


"Sexual tensions often run high during infertility. After the death of a baby, physical intimacy is emotionally entangled with the creation (and loss) of life. Statements such as "Do you guys know how babies are made?" or "At least you can have fun trying!" cut me to the core."


"Fertility isses are very personal. If I choose to share with you, I am placing a deep level of trust in our friendship. Before passing my news along to anyone else, please ask my permission. Most fertility related issues are medical problems, often entailing many complex issues. Infertility causes stress, but it is extremely rare for stress to be the sole cause of interiltiy. "Relaxing" will NOT cure endometriosis, open blocked fallopian tubes, enable deformed sperm to fertilize an egg, or change my odds of carrying a child with genetic defects.

Don't suggest that my infertility will be resolved if I "just adopt". Adoption may (or may not) be a part of God's plan for us, but both infertility and adoption are issues we need to workt through one step at a time. A healthy period of grieving for the biological child we may never have may be needed before we are ready to even consider adoption. And while I'm sure you know someone who adopted then got pregnant, statistically, adoption does not increase my chances of future pregnancy.


Please do not offer advice unless I ask you for it. I have probably already heard about (and tried) boxer shorts, vacation, and sexual techniques to improve our chances of conception. You might make very different choices in our situation, but as you are not in our situation, please keep your opinions to yourself unless you think we are acting in explicit contradictions to clear-cut biblical principals."

"Wondering if God's perfect plan for my life will include children, or even realistically expressing painful doubts about my dwindling hope for the possibility of parenthood, does not equate to doubting God. Please don't judge my loss of hope about having a child to loss of hope in Christ.


You may say, "I just know God is going to give you a baby." But how do you know? Has He given you a revelation that He hasn't given me? Please be careful speaking for the Lord unless you are sure. (Prophets of old were stoned when they presumed to speak and their prophecies were found to be untrue.)"


*****"As I seek to find my place as an infertile woman in the body of Christ, it may take some adjustments for me to find where I feel best used of the Lord. For instance, the church nursery might be exactly where I WANT to be on some days when my arms just ache to hold a baby, but it might just as easily become a place that stabs my heart with envy and grief over what I do not have. Our woman's Bible study may feel more like a "mom's club" where I'm an outsider, than a place I can freely fellowship and nourish my soul on the Word of God.

"I fully agree with the Bible that children are a blessing. I only ask that our church be aware that many of us cannot take such a gift for granted. Please don't elevate parenthood to the point where I feel cursed because I have not been so blessed. An honest "I dont know the right thing to say or do" or simple "I'm sorry" is a great start. I don't usually want or expect to be fixed, nearly as much as I need a listening ear, a friendly hug, and lots of prayer."

"While I'm waiting, please don't ask me if I'm pregnant yet each time you see me."


"Intended encouragment such as "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now" or "You can always have another one" are not comforting in the face of loss. Would you say to a widow, "Don't worry, You can always get married again?"

(end of excerpts from the book)

I have heard it all, things like:

Its just not God's time (how would you know when God's time is?)


You just need to relax, don't think about it (relaxing doesn't cure medical conditions and not thinking about it is like asking me to not breathe, unless you have been in my situation, dont pretend to have the answers)


It will happen when you stop trying (no, it won't. Once again medical issues causing infertility don't cure themselves without a doctors intervention or medication)

Are you sure you're ready to deal with this - as your child screams (is not a comfort to me, I am well aware of the pains and stress of children)
The list could go on but these are the ones that bother me the most. And please, don't complain about your children or your 'horrible pregnancy' to me, I have NO sympathy for you! Because I pray for the worst morning sickness in the world to only have the chance to be pregnant! I would gladly trade places with you, so don't come to me to complain about how hard you have it with your kids. Be thankful for them and find someone else to get sympathy from when you are having a rough pregnancy because I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant.